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Monday, February 11, 2008

When you see Fair walking down the street, let me know.

When I was little, right around the age when children constantly claim,

"That's not faaaaaaaair!,"

I had a friend, who had a mom, as most of my friends did. This mom was a comedian, like most moms in the seventies were. When we would whine about the lack of fairness in the world, she would invite us to sit and look out of her living room window.

"You just sit right there, sweetie, and when you see Fair walking down the street, call me, because I sure would like to know what she looks like!"

Ha, ha, ha. So, while I understand the futility of trying to determine what's fair and what isn't, I still need to whine every now and then. You know what isn't fair? The fact that I don't get enough sleep. My husband snores, which he claims isn't his fault. I'm not so sure about that, but I can't prove it. The baby still wakes up at night, often in response to the husband's snoring. I've tried putting him (the baby) in another room, but he wakes up anyway and we just have to go farther to get him. I've also tried putting him (the husband) in another room, but his snoring is loud enough that distance doesn't really help. And, to be honest, I miss him. One of the reasons I got married is so I wouldn't have to sleep all by myself. I get lonely. The snoring keeps me awake and, as soon as that ends and I go to sleep, the baby wakes up. Gah! I swear, the two of them are in cahoots. They want me to be tired all the time. Must be because I'm so charming when I haven't had enough sleep. Not.

Sometimes, life is really unfair. Like when I can't sleep because of the snoring and I go into a panic because, for almost a minute, the snoring stops, along with the breathing of my irritating, but much-loved husband. Then he starts breathing again, with a barking whoop and a huge snort. Like, the hugest snort you've ever heard or imagined. It's the snort to end all snorts. I recorded it once and my tape recorder burst into flames*. The snort is so loud that it wakes him up (probably our neighbors, too, but that's not my problem.) And when it wakes him up, he rears his sleepy head, sits up in bed, glares at me and says,


Like I've made some horrible noise, deliberately, just to wake him up. I admit that I've been tempted, when he's in a deep sleep and I'm lying awake, to bark in his ear, really loud, just so he knows how it feels to wake up in terror. But I haven't done it, because waking him up would just start the cycle all over. But, um, it's so not fair that he gets mad at me in the middle of the night, when I haven't done anything. And then I have to lie awake for at least ten more minutes feeling self righteous. Sorry, I had to say it. And now I'm off to look out the front window, in case Fair is out for a jog.

Namasté, y'all!

* That's not true, I just said it for effect. Sorry.


Tracee said...

That was great! I could've written it, down to the part where he stops snoring and breathing and wakes up with a snort!! I hope you get some sleep tonight, and if you ever find Fair, please send her to my house quick!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your husband has sleep apnea.