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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Mama said there'd be days like this...

Well, not my Mama, at least not in so many words, but it's still a great song. Do you ever have months weeks days like this, where you feel like the worst person in the world? The fattest, ugliest person, worst mother, most pathetic wife, not to mention crappiest friend, sh*tiest daughter and stupidest daughter-in-law. And you can't name anything specific that's making you feel that way. Small things happened. You waited an hour and a half for an appointment with your dermatologist and had to leave (after offering five times, meekly, to reschedule if they were too busy) so you wouldn't miss your son's school play. You weren't late, but your toddler was so loud your Dad had to take him outside and miss the play. You almost cried when your husband told you later they sent a note home before the play requesting that no toddlers attend. You were too lazy to read it. Or maybe you read it and forgot, because you're retarded.

You got a note from your child's teacher the night before, because she didn't realize you emailed her because you found it funny that your child asked for "a bunch of balloons and safety pins" to make his costume for the play the next day. At least it seemed funny, until you realized what a loser she thinks you are.
She thought you were emailing her, at 9 at night, to tell her she needed to make the costume. Are you really that bad?

You feel pathetic for buying a mix to make cupcakes for your son to take to school for his birthday (why didn't it feel pathetic when you did it a month ago for your other son?) And it gets worse when you realize the chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing look like little piles of poop. And the M&M's you bought to decorate are some Indiana Jones kind of M&M's, in colors like off-white, diarrhea-orange, dried blood-red and brown. Ew.

You are fat. You are ugly. You are worthless. But somehow, you weren't like that a month ago and, when you think about it honestly, nothing much has changed. But all of a sudden, you have to force yourself to smile when your baby is singing,

"Walk back down! Stand my ground!"

which he learned from the movie "Barnyard," which he calls "Bombarn," which you normally find too adorable for words. And you don't laugh as hard as you normally would when you find this note, from your seven year old to the Tooth Fairy.


Normally, you find his materialism funny ("Remember I don't need money I need toys.") You aren't even happy that he's actually telling the truth this time about losing his tooth, unlike the last time, when he tried to con the Tooth Fairy. The note just makes you feel like a crappy parent, raising children who are never satisfied and destined to be miserable, just like you.

You had an article published, but they edited out a sentence or two, which resulted in you sounding stupid. Or so it seems to you.

The fact that you still haven't gotten your child's medical form signed for camp is sending you into a panic. There's the guilt, but also the rage that no one has to worry about it but you. And you dread the packing involved before camp. Now you feel like a jerk for not just being excited for your kid about camp, which he loves.

Your husband falls asleep when he's with you and forgets everything you say because you are boring, boring, boring. Everything you do is lame and boring and no one wants to know about it. It's not them, it's you. Probably no one likes you, including your husband, because you're fat.

I'm just so tired. If I could just get three good nights of sleep, I think everything would be better. I should go to sleep now, but I'm too wound up. Now I feel guilty and pathetic for whining. So, how was your day?

8 comments:

RubiaLala said...

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. I really do know how you feel. If it helps you feel any better, I don’t fall asleep when I read your writing and I don’t think you’re boring. You help me stay awake at work.

Blog O' Beth said...

Take a Tylenol PM and get some good sleep. Second, realize that about once a month we all go a bit crazy because we are women and we have hormones and we can't help it. Trust me on this, your husband thinks you're beautiful, your kids think you are loving and wonderful and your in-laws are grateful that you married your husband. You are not boring. I'm sure your article was fascinating and the little bit of editing that was done is in no way a reflection upon you. And for the cupcakes - who the hell makes cupcakes from scratch? Like a 7 year old is going to know the difference? and even if they were brown with funky m&m's I'm sure the little tykes didn't care one bit when they smeared the frosting across their faces and sleeves. Give yourself props for MAKING cupcakes and not buying them pre-made at the store. And lastly, no matter how fat you may feel I'm sure you are thinner now than you will be 20 years from now because we all seem to gain weight as we get older until we hit that magical crossover when we suddenly get old and lose all our weight. Hang in there kiddo!! The sun will rise again.

Anonymous said...

I love you more than ever! I happened on your blog via someone else's... and I just read. You are so -- real. So true, and honest.

That can't be bad.

The other stuff comes and goes - I mean, feelings change. But you have that basis - that consistent underlying "truthiness" - laced thru all the fibers of your being.

ya said...

I love you so much!

Outnumbered2to1 said...

You had an article published? You are so lucky! Everyone has days like that. A good cry sometimes helps. Man, though, you are put together so I'm thinking tomorrow things will pick up. Hang in there.

Brenda said...

Giant hugs to you! I am sorry you had a day like this, and I hope that things look better after typing this all out.

Don Mills Diva said...

I'm just catching up and I felt so bad ready this - everyone has bad days: you seem like such a cool woman with such a fun sense of humour - CHIN UP GIRL!

Faith said...

Yeah, I have days(weeks, months) like this. Seriously, it's comforting to know it's not just me. The worst is when I'm convinced God is disappointed in me...I'm never doing enough...

It'll pass. Sometimes there's nothing to do but just keep on walking.