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Thursday, July 10, 2008

My husband has funny hobbies.

Funny hobbies like tennis. And reading Craig's List for "Missed Connections." Maybe he spends his days making googly eyes at random girls hoping one of them will try to find him...on Craig's List. Maybe he just has the same sense of humor I do. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have told me about his little hobby at all, but he likes to make me laugh.

First of all...what are these poor saps thinking? I would love to know how many of these postings result in actual meetings and how many of those meetings result in normal human human interaction. My guess is 0.0% When will people learn that life is not a cheesy romantic comedy? In real life, if someone wants to talk to you in the grocery store, at a stoplight or "on Taylor Street about 2:30 pm last Thursday. You were wearing a short khaki skirt. Great legs!" they will. That coy smile that "made me think you wanted to meet?" You imagined it. And she probably doesn't read Craig's List, at least not that section.

Second, why do they all drive Saturns? I mean, I know it's a decent car and all, but I don't actually know anyone who owns one. If I did, I might have more insight as to why Saturn drivers are disproportionately targeted in the Missed Connections section of Craig's list. Saturn should figure out an angle and use this for advertising...or not.

Third, isn't it interesting that the biggest section is men who felt they missed a connection with a woman? There are about the same number of entries there and in the man to man section. There are quite a few less in the women looking for men section. Guess how many are in the women looking for women section? Zero. That's right. Not a single one. I guess we women speak up if we think another babe is hot. I know I do, and I'm straight and married. When a lady looks good, you should tell her. She might let you borrow that top!

Perhaps this is part of our country's need for a message of hope. It's pretty darned optimistic to believe that, yes, she did think you were hot (in spite of the way you, you know, actually look) and was too shy to chat, and yes, she does read Craig's List every day, hoping to hear from you and, yes, she thinks your Saturn is the bomb.

Maybe I'm the loser. Maybe this stuff does happen to other people. I feel like when people want to talk to me, they do. They say stuff like,

"Get off of my foot."

"You're being too loud."


"Please stop throwing bread at my mother."

On a really, really good day, I've heard,

"I love your blog."

That's my favorite, just so you know. Maybe I need to start reading Craig's List. Keep an eye out for this one:

"Saw you at a stoplight on Rosewood. You were in a black Toyota SUV with tinted windows. You seemed to be yelling at yourself. I liked how you alternately banged the steering wheel and swatted at something in the backseat of your car. Thought I might have heard kids yelling. I love crazy old chicks with kids. I was the guy..."

Frankly, I can't imagine the last part of that. "I was the guy in the Saturn with a Mrs. Robinson (minus the glamor) fantasy?" "I was the guy honking at you to go already because the effing light was green?" "I was the guy in the Prius. Why didn't you recognize me and why were you yelling at our kids? Do you need more money for babysitters?" I like the last one. I'll be looking for it.

Although the missed connections are funny, especially if you read them with a friend - out loud in funny voices and with vulgar asides - they're also just pathetic. Have we become so addicted to the internet we're afraid to just talk to people? People do meet in random places. But Craig's List is not a place, it's a website. I used to answer emails for a big website. It was kind of a joke, since I knew even less about computers and the world-wide internets then than I do now. My job was to choose the right form letter and click "send". The ones I wanted to actually respond to, though, were the ones who would freak out when the message boards or e-mail were down for 20 minutes. They said things like, "I can't get in touch with any of my friends!" or "i seriously need advise [sic] about this oosing [sic] rash RITE [sic] NOW [sick!]" I wanted to explain to them that internet "friends" aren't the same as real life friends and everyone should have a primary care physician. But I sent them a form letter about when the stuff would be fixed instead, because I wanted to finish work, get my paycheck and go out into the real world.

I love the dang internet, by the way. It's great for entertainment, convenience and information. And even making real life connections. I've been really encouraged by other freelance writers I've "met" on the internet. But it shouldn't take the place of humans. But y'all know all this, because anyone who reads my blog is obviously socially savvy and has a brilliant sense of humor! Mwah!

Namasté, y'all!

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