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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I can't stop. You might be a bear...

As these things go, once you start, it's hard to stop. That's probably how Jeff Foxworthy developed his whole act. I got an email the other day, after I posted this, from my editor at Free Times, Ron Aiken. I hope he'll be proud of his work and not mad at me for posting it attached to his real name. Here's what he had to say:

"If you go to sleep, in the woods, and don't wake up for six months, yep, you're a bear.

"If you like the taste of salmon, raw, that you just caught with your teeth, you could be a bear.

"If you have cubs that you protect from other bears, you might just be a momma bear.

"If the only way to scratch your back is to rub up and down against a tree, you're a bear.

"If you walk on four legs and don't know anyone except bears, oh buddy, you're a bear."

I might add the following:

  • If your last name is Berenstain and you live in a big tree house, deep in Bear County, you might be a bear.
  • If you were a football coach and had an Alabama stadium named after you, you might be a bear.
Oops. Can't stop.
This reminds me of that bar game where you have to use the name of an African country in a totally random sentence. Like this:

"Hey! I need to rent a car. Is this one of those new electric cars?"

"Are you mad? A gas car!"

Or this one:

"Hey! Are there any tigers in this zoo?"

"No, but see 'ere? A lion!"

You might have to read those a few times to hear Madagascar and Sierra Leone. And use a funny accent, not found in nature. I taught this game to my sister and she called me no less than twelve times that night, from a bar, because she couldn't stop. Just wait. It'll happen to you. Here's a list of African countries to get you started. One more...

"I'm gonna' throw you the football again. This time be ready for' go lahng!"

Namasté, y'all!


Anonymous said...

Wow, your bar games were so much more sophisticated than the ones we played back in college.

Lizzie said...

If your governor has ever tried to put lipstick on you, then shot at you, you might be a polar bear in Alaska.

Anonymous said...

If you're at a party, someone shouts, "Bear!" and everyone looks at you, you just might be a bear.

Anonymous said...

If your third cousin from the north looks just like you except his fur is white, you might be a bear.

If the closest a family member of yours has gotten to being in a pornographic movie is the rug made out of your Uncle Larry's skin, guess what?

Anonymous said...

If, when you meet someone new, they drop to the ground, cover their heads and play dead until you get bored and leave, you, sir, are a bear.

Lizzie said...

If you constantly point at people and say, "Only you can prevent wildfires," you must be that bear.

Anonymous said...

If you KILL and EAT people...there's a pretty good chance you just might be a bear.

Anonymous said...

If you've ever been shot from a helicopter, passed out and woke up hours later with a radio collar you don't remember putting on that reads "Bear 39," chances are you're a bear.

Anonymous said...

If your only car is way too small for you and you're only allowed to drive it in a circle, around a man with a whip, partner, you're a circus bear.

Anonymous said...

If you've ever been lead around Eastern European towns by a chain attached to a ring in your nose, you might be a bear.

Anonymous said...

If, when you look out over a magnificent herd of elk, your eye immediately seizes on the oldest, slowest one and you wonder how you might catch and eat him, I don't mean to alarm you here, but man, you've got some bear in you.

Anonymous said...

If you are minding your own business where folks can see you from behind a plate of thick glass, and you see a lady mouth "look, kids, there's a bear," you sad sack of ****, you are in a zoo. Bear!

If you were featured prominently in a movie poster with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins, U.B. Bear.

If you refer to spawning salmon as the S&S Cafeteria, you gotta be a bear.

If your favorite president and your least favorite president is Teddy Roosevelt, you are Mr. Bear in need of a bear therapist.

If you like to call pup tents "human burritos," I will call you bear.

Anonymous said...

If you've ever been the subject of a feature film, in Alaska, and you ended up eating the filmmaker, you are a bear.

Anonymous said...

If you've ever applied for credit before and the people all laughed at you and said, "Hey, check out this bear who wants credit!", you're probably that bear.

Lizzie said...

If you've ever looked in the mirror and seen a bear looking back at you, don't freak out. That's you, a bear.

Lizzie said...

If you love bears enough to mate with one, and then your kids look like bear cubs, you have always been a bear.

Tracie Broom said...

You are hilarious. Also hilarious: the gay bear dating ad at the bottom of this post. internet comedy can be so organic!

Anonymous said...

Overheard at M Vista:

"If, when you go out with Greg Evigan, people come up to you and say 'Hey, I thought you were a monkey!' You might be named Bear."

Lizzie said...

If some blond chick breaks into your house, eats your porridge and sleeps in your bed, then you are a baby bear.

Lizzie said...

Apparently, if you are a gay man with facial hair, who likes other grizzly men, you are a bear. Thanks, Google ads.

Anne Wolfe Postic said...

Received from text last night:

If your favorite book is you don't know, because you can't read, because your parents were bears,, honeychile, you's a bear.

If your name is "Hugh B. Bear," let's be honest, you are a bear with a terrible name.

If you never got to know your father, because he was shot by bear hunters, bear is what they call you.

If your idea of a good joke is to watch videos of game animals falling, let's not rule ou bear just yet.

If the only human you do not eat is named Christopher Robin, oh please make me stop...

If human glasses do not fit your head because you have a big ass bear head, the Spanish call you Senor Bear.

Fun times, y'all.

Anne Wolfe Postic said...

This is the last round, I swear. This list is all the way from Canada, via Facebook, of course.

If you haven't any natural predators, you might be a bear.

If you find yourself riding a unicycle in a John Irving novel, chances are good you're a bear.

If you're wearing a Super Bowl XX ring, you are most likely a Bear.

If you sh*t in the woods, you're not necessarily a bear but still could be.

If Stephen Colbert is afraid of you, you're almost certainly a bear.

If you ride shotgun for a long distance trucker named BJ, you could be a bear. Or at least a monkey named Bear.

Anonymous said...

If you and those in your family just can't seem to survive in Africa or Australia, you might just be a bear.

If people in China worship you, you could be a bear. Or Buddha, one of the two.

If your best friends are a pig, a cracked-out tiger, and a donkey who can't keep his tail on his a$$, yup, you're a bear.

If you are a big hairy masculine man with an affinity for a certain type of "rooster", you are SO a bear!

If sailors use your image in the sky to find their way home, you are not one but TWO bears.

If you were once a celibate and beautiful nymph who was seduced by a Roman god, unfortunately you are now a bear.

Anonymous said...

hey, i tried... :)
yall got all the good ones already!

Lizzie said...

Cuz Marie just kicked it. Nice!

Unknown said...

Marie, seriously? I think you won. Because it was hard, after so many - and yours cracked me up. You need a blog, funny girl!