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Friday, October 10, 2008

Do you ever have a terrible thought? And try to take it back?

I'm not quite sure why I'm admitting this, but it's a blog, right? True confessions and all that? The other day, I got cut off in traffic, practically run off the road, by someone who didn't even flinch. I didn't even get the little, "Oops! Silly me! Sorry!" wave. I don't think they ever saw me. I'm not a retaliatory horn honker, so I had no way to point out the error of their ways. But I had a very bad thought. The car had a handicapped tag and I thought, without meaning to and only for a second,

"Huh. Wonder how you got that way?"

I swear I am not that big of a jerk. I don't feel that way and I'm so far from perfect myself that Perfect and I don't even shop at the same Target. I didn't say it out loud - I would never want my children to hear that kind of filth. Maybe my horribly inappropriate thought was part of a mild adrenaline rush. Who knows? If it seems like I'm being defensive, I am. But only because I know I'm not evil. I really hope someone else will confess to having evil thoughts, just to make me feel better.

And, if you do have evil thoughts, do you try to talk to your higher power of choice (HPOC) right after? I do, because my HPOC is the only one who heard it, right? I continue, in my head,

"Oh, G-d, sorry! You know I didn't mean that, right? I was just scared because we almost got hit. I mean, my kids are in the..."

Then I stop thinking, because I realize my HPOC knows exactly how I feel, without me needing to articulate it. Also, I'm talking to someone in my head, and that is not normal. HPOC's are all-knowing - that's what makes them so much better than the rest of us. Then I get scared that I really am an a**hole and HPOC is looking at me and shaking its head. And I wonder how I can find out for sure if I really am a vile person or if my occasional vile thoughts are an anomaly. I mean, if I had the thought, it must be the way I feel. Unless there's a mean little leprechaun living in my head*. Not that I'm stereotyping leprechauns - some are mean and some aren't, just like the rest of us. Then I feel mad at HPOC for making it so hard. What is he/she? The Thought Police? Or am I the Thought Police? Or am I simply nuts? And shouldn't I pay attention to the road instead of self-obsessing?

And all this leads me to yet another thought. Just how do you know if you need actual medication? Anyone?

Namasté, y'all!

* I can hear your nervous laughter from here.


Anonymous said...

If you believe in the same HPOC as I, which you may or may not, then you might also believe that we've all got a little leprechaun living in our heads...and the times when we're actually good, actually kind, actually selfless, aren't because of us (and our leprechauns), but because our HPOC is making us that way.

Sometimes I get pretty upset about all the bad things that happened in the world - shocked, even. But a friend told me recently that I should be more shocked about all the good things that happen. The little leprechauns are running rampant, and we're all pretty close to the edge most of the time. Which is the reason it sometimes occurs to me to punch my husband in the face. I never do...but I'm aware of how close I am. (This only happens occasionally, I swear, and most of the time I just want to kiss my husband, but I'm just saying).

Anonymous said...

O!M!G! You speak what's in my head *all the time*, but in a much more entertaining way.


Anonymous said...

Happens to me all the time. I even say/do the mean thing every now and then and am completely embarrassed immediately afterward. About a year ago, a fat man on the subway literally shoved me against a pole to get himself in an already overcrowded car, totally making a conscious choice to put a good deal of force behind it. But I turned around and said without any filter nor any reasonable length of pause, "Hey, Mr. Peabody, pushing on men from behind may be your thing, but it's not mine, so back the f* up." The guy looked like he was going to cry - completely humiliated. Even though people kind of laughed and he kind of deserved it, it came out so quickly and bitingly it was rather scary, and it was a lot more homophobic than I meant. I realized I might be a bigger a$$hole than I think.

Michelle said...

I have said something and taken it back later. :)

CarolinaBlonde said...

I am a drug rep by day and have the same bouts of road rage. Only to want to eat my thoughts when I find myself mad at a little old lady and such. Speaking of drugs, did I mention they are anti-depressants. I have plenty of samples! Just let me know. ha!