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Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Don't Phelps that bong*!

I have three thoughts about the whole Michael-Phelps-smokes-dope-in-Columbia moment. Without further ado:

1. Sheriff Lott is a goof-ball. I've read he's threatening to prosecute Michael Phelps if he can get enough evidence. Prosecute him for...what? Bong holding? Acting like a doofus at a party? Wearing a hat inside? Speaking of, when I'm invited to a party, I try to dress pretty, especially if I'm crashing. I would never choose a t-shirt and backwards baseball cap. Michael Phelps is not a teenager. He is 23 years old, more or less an adult. Doesn't he know better? Perhaps Sheriff Lott will charge him with a party foul.

2. Speaking of evidence, I am proud of the college-age partiers of South Carolina. Because I have a lot of time on my hands and love to see my town's name in national news, I've read a lot of articles about Bong-gate. I have yet to see a quote from anyone that wasn't completely innocuous. None of these kids want their fifteen minutes. Thanks to them, the articles are beyond boring. Could it be they plan to graduate college and get jobs? Phelps was the only one in the picture. Does this prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our kids have enough sense not to pick up a bong around a group of strangers with camera phones? Go Cocks**!

3. Journalists studied harder in college than the rest of us. How do I know this? They talk about dope like a bunch of nursing home residents who never smoked it.

"Michael Phelps was photographed smoking a bong water pipe."

"Swimmer Michael Phelps tokes with a cannibus pipe."

"My grandma tells me Michael Phelps bonked a toker pipe."

"That famous swimmer guy was seen taking tokers from a bonger."

Two journalists got it right, "...a photo of Michael Phelps taking a bong hit..." They were sports journalists. Discuss.

Anyhow, I dedicate this to a few of my friends in college, but I didn't take their pictures and I'm not naming names. 'Cause I'm a Gamecock! Whoooo!


Namasté, y'all!

* I stole that quote from a friend. It made me laugh. I don't really know what it means, but it's funny. Perhaps "Phelps" as a verb means, "pick up and be photographed with, at risk of losing a bunch of money in endorsement deals and having to hear about it for a long damn time." As in, "Man, I bet Spitzer wishes he hadn't Phelpsed that hooker."

** Dear US Weekly, I do know of one person who claims to have attended that party. I can't remember his name and I heard about it through a friend of a friend of a friend. The dude is, like, a waiter or something. For the right amount of money, I'll talk. Wait. I already told you everything I know. I guarantee he may or may not, but probably did not, see Phelps with a hooker and some heroin. There goes my moment...


Anonymous said...

On one or two occasions in college, I saw someone bonk a toker pipe. Have you ever seen anyone do anything illegal in Richland County? If so, please notify Sheriff Lott. It is important that he treat all of these horrible criminals equally.

Michelle said...

LOL! I knew it as all to hell when he started dating the girl from Vegas.

He should have stayed there because "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas".

HA HA!!!! said...

If Michael Phelps is into smoking pipes then good for him. Just because he enjoys smoking a water pipe does not mean he should have to lie about it and talk about the “big mistake” he made. The government makes a mistake every time it enforces marijuana prohibition at the expense of America and good since. America should grow up and quit attacking its own citizens for how they decide to spend their recreational time.

CarolinaBlonde said...

Funny. Or maybe I am just baked.

Lizzie said...

I'm probably too late for a lame joke on lung capacity, right?