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Saturday, February 14, 2009

Horoscopes are the new Magic Eight Ball.

"You know why fortune cookies are always right?" asked the X-Man.

"Um. No. Why?"

"Because they know your life," he answered, very matter-of-factly.

His most recent fortune had informed him, "Happiness will find you always." As he got into the car after school, I asked him why he was giggling somewhat maniacally*. He was convinced the fortune from the cookie in his lunch box was true. So, there you have it.

I once received, within a few days of each other, these three fortunes:

  • Good news of a long-awaited event will soon arrive.
  • Children's laughter, so beautiful to hear, soon will be a chance to have them very near.
  • An unexpected visitor will bring you good blessings.
As it turned out, I was already pregnant with the Tank, though I didn't know it yet. Craving Chinese food three times in one week was a pretty good indicator, but that clue escaped my notice. I was hyper-focused on any sort of hokey "sign" at the time, because I was still a hormonal lunatic following a recent miscarriage and wanted a baby real bad. I would have believed a Magic Eight Ball, or at least shaken it until it gave me the right answer.

I abandoned horoscope reading years ago. Any sane adult knows horoscopes, unlike Magic Eight Balls and fortune cookies, are a total crock. So, the other day at the gym, as I perused the newspaper to avoid getting the Tank out of the nursery for a few more precious moments, I gave only a passing glance at my horoscope. Old habits die hard. It read:

Good fortune is heading in your direction, so take advantage of it. You can sign contracts, make deals or even collect an old debt with greater ease. An open discussion with someone about your dreams, hopes and wishes will help you make them come true.

Funny. I've been trying to collect a particular debt, with a great deal of difficulty and to no avail, for a while now. My efforts have included, but not been limited to, the following:
  • Calling/texting/emailing gentle and not-so-gentle reminders about the debt.
  • Going to a random place to pick up a check...
  • Which turned out to be no good.
  • Texting my debtor that said check was no good and receiving a response indicating that he had hoped overdraft would take care of it.
  • Having another check returned to my bank after I (naively, I know) tried to deposit it, which resulted in a fee.
  • Staring (I thought menacingly, but I guess I'm just not scary) at the debtor as he and I faced each other at a stoplight, just before he pulled into a fancy place for lunch on my dime, right across the street from the cheap place I was going to eat because I don't live beyond my means, like some people. Oh, wait, I just sounded like my mother. Eff!.
  • Whining.
I was tempted to give up, until my dear husband pointed out that the amount owed, while not necessary for our survival, is not small. And it's mine, because I did the work and should get paid. As a real-life attorney, TF knows these fine points of the law. One law says "You can't write bouncy checks," or something like that. Anyhow, for all my hard work, the only thing I had to show was a bouncy check, written for one-fifth of the total amount owed. I called the bank each day, only to be told the check was still bouncy. At one point, I asked the teller why they kept the account open, given that checks written on it were rarely based in reality. Her response, in a really sappy woman-child voice,

"He's really trying."

No, dear, he isn't. He's out spending the money on whatever he likes. Didn't your mama warn you about guys like this? Maybe I should take you out to lunch and explain these things. But I digress.

Not two minutes after reading my horoscope, I got a text message, claiming the check was good. After a call to the bank to verify, I rushed to cash it. Mostly because the teller said, with some urgency,

"It's good, but you better hurry."

Yikes. Anyhow, we were talking about horoscopes. Although I wouldn't say collecting that debt has been easy (nor am I finished), but on that day, it was as easy as it had ever been (or is likely to be in the future). I also got a check in the mail for some work I had done for another company who always pays on time. of the clients for my other website renewed a contract and another new client signed up. Was my horoscope right or was it right? Huh? Huh? I read it every day now.

Friday, my new adviser claimed afternoon shopping would lead to a bargain, so I bought a refill of my favorite eye cream at the gym, where I get a discount for being an employee**. This morning, it told me not to let my craptastic mood ruin everyone's day. At a family lunch, I was nicer than I wanted to be and ended up having a great time, narrowly avoiding spoiling anyone's afternoon. If it tells me to eat a chicken sandwich, I will do so without reservation, even if I want turkey. I'm not stupid.

Namasté, y'all!

* I love the phrase "giggling maniacally," especially when my children are the ones doing it.

** Incidentally, whenever I decide I might prefer not to teach at the gym, I realize that my Skinceuticals discount makes it all worth it. They'll have to drag me out of there when I'm 92 years old, because I will never, ever quit.


CarolinaBlonde said...

Today I was in a manic cleaning mood. I removed everything from the front of my fridge in am effort to declutter. I couldnt bear to take down a fortune that has been there for almost a year. It came true and I dont want to jinx it. :)

Anne Wolfe Postic said...

Girrrrrl! I hear you. Know why I was able to type,verbatim, those other fortunes? Because I saved them, in hopes that I was pregnant or would get there soon. I love how easy it is to believe in the good ones and dismiss the bad. Oh, the power of positive thinking...

By the way, did I ever tell you I have the same dress you're wearing in your profile pic? But I had to get AnnaBelle ( to sew boob cups in it for me.