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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Just a few little tidbits.

First things first. I have a fascinating article this week in Jolie - especially for all you guys - about how to achieve that fabulous Smoky Eye, just in time for holiday parties! You could cut out the step-by-step instructions to post on the inside of your bathroom mirror. Just sayin'. Make sure you leave my name in when you cut it out, so you can think of me every time you use it. Mwah! They also let me review a bunch of beauty products. Y'all, I had heard about this phenomena, but I thought it was a myth. I got to keep the stuff - and it was fancy beauty stuff - and some of it wasn't even available in stores yet. This is like a dream come true for someone like me. I will remember that really expensive, not yet released eye cream for the rest of my life. And I would buy it if I could afford it*. If you can afford it, you should. And I guess I should tell you what it is (since Jolie isn't online). The miracle cream of which I speak so fondly is Eyecing Fatigue Fighting Eye Cream by Freeze 24/7. It'll be available soon at Pout for the (I swear totally fair) price of $115. Just get it.

I also had a column in this week's Free Times, about ajvar. I was a little scared, because I wrote about my in laws. Believe it or not, I don't want to make them mad. I adore them, from the bottom of my heart, even if I do poke fun at them just a little. Have you heard the way I talk about myself? I tease because I love! Anyhow, they liked it (whew!) My husband told me they were reading it at EarthFare. Obviously, I couldn't have observed without them knowing, because they would recognize me. I think. But has any other writer out there tried to watch someone while they were reading something you wrote? Just to see if they liked it? No? Oh.

On to other things. You may have noticed there hasn't been a Grass Cam installment lately. Or maybe you didn't. Anyhow, I haven't made one, because I've been feeling scared. There is some brown grass mixed in with the green. I really love grass. I don't know what I would do without grass. Grass is really expensive and I don't know how we can afford more if this goes away. I don't want to think about what I would do to get more grass, the depths to which I would sink. It's madness, I tell you, madness. Anyhow, pray for our grass, won't you? And feel free to offer advice or reassurance. Is there a group for people who are addicted to grass?

And there is just one more thing I have to share. My husband sent me these the other day. No author is credited. If I had written them, I would be so proud. If you wrote them, please claim them. You are a genius. I laughed so hard I cried.

Haiku for the Mullet

Shampoo stings my eyes,
I will never feel that twice:
slick hair smells like gas.

O! SQUIRREL brother,
Your tail, my hair. We are one.
Yet I must eat you.

I liked that foreign
legion movie so much, I
grew me one them hats.

Brown edged tank top sticks
to my white clumpy armpits
Somehow I get laid.

Flowing down the back
helps to keep mind closed, hate
released by short top.

My hair is slammin
like Stone Cold. Can I get a Hell
yeah? Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

This super cool hair
and a bucket of chicken:
What more could I want?

My slick snakeskin boots
My silk shirt with rooster prints
Always colored jeans.

Razor set to one.
Do front and sides and then stop
Reaffirm my style.

Dogs urinate where
they so choose. And so do I.
Red and blue lights flash.

Teen runaway, I
hate my dad. Yet I am one.
Fly, thunderbird, fly.

Ponytails are for wimps.
But if you let that hair loose,
you are my brother.

Short like your schooling.
Long like your prison sentence.
The penal haircut.

Bald on the top and
long on the back. Behold my
glorious skullet.

Dad likes my mullet.
The nurse calls it a critter
carpet. My head breeds.

With long hair in place
how else can I rebel? Hand
me the bong uncle.

Under the Christmas
tree: tight black jeans and a comb.
I've been extra good!

Short for dad. Long for
the daughter mom always wanted.
Everyone's happy.

Namasté, y'all!

* Eh. I might buy it anyway.

1 comment:

Su said...

Those made me snort! We're doing a poetry unit in my 4th grade this week, and this is going to be all I can think of as I try to teach the kids haiku with a straight face. They usually come up with some pretty, um, creative poems of their own, but I don't know that they will achieve this level of greatness.