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Saturday, March 07, 2009

Do you ever get nervous?

Like, when things are going really well? Do you ever lie awake at night, wondering what you forgot to do? Well, I do. I need an assistant, an assistant brain. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm often afraid I missed something. I also have the age-old teenager fear of looking like a dork. I'm pretty sure this fear is unfounded, because I already look like one. But what if I look like more of one?

My other website is doing well, which is good. Right? I'm going to start appearing on local television as The Shop Tart. Or so they say. What if I'm so awful they regret asking me and I don't end up doing it? What if they think I'm fine and I see it and realize I look like a moron? What if people hate it? What if people don't care? Ahhhhhh... What if I look fat? What if I look too thin, like those un-retouched photos of Madonna? What if I am fat? What if I am too thin? Looks aside, what if I sound stupid? What if nobody cares?

As a general rule, I'm pretty confident, but whenever new things happen, I get kind of squirrelly. Over many years, I've learned to move slow. My heart wants to jump into things, but I know I'm one of those people who learn by doing, which means moving really, really slow. I talked about this the other day with Till, a genius when it comes to hair with an excellent sense of humor (ie He laughs really hard at my jokes. Love. Him.) I spend as much time at the salon as possible, because I never get to see him otherwise. Stylists really are like therapists, like a best friend that you pay, so they can't dump you for being irritating. He's a slow and steady type of guy, too. I was lamenting the fact that I hadn't been able to jump in with both feet when developing my other blog, mainly because I'd be making more money by now and could buy cool stuff. There's a guy in my town (incidentally, the one who still owes me money) and I have moments when I envy him. He does exactly what he wants on a new project, money and details-be-d*mned. Till wisely explained the crash-and-burn risk of jumping the gun. *Sigh* The logical side of me sees the crash-and-burn to come; the wannabe-me wishes I had the same courage. Or not, because I'm not real keen on the idea of bankruptcy, owing money all over town or having people hate me. But he fools plenty of people, including yours truly, albeit briefly. Why can't I do that? Okay, okay, I know why. But still...

Enough of the wah-wah-wah. On Wednesday, my sister and I are going on a whirlwind tour of Charlotte, including trips to Ikea, the mall, Capitol*, PF Chang's and another restaurant or two, an overnight stay in new hotel Aloft** and an Ani Difranco show at the Neighborhood Theatre. Whoooooo-hoooooo! So, now I'm worried again. I really don't have the look for an Ani show these days. Would it be lame for me to wear my nose-ring, which I haven't worn in years? Is that trying too hard? The hole is still there, because I periodically stick earrings in it to freak out my kids. Do I own any t-shirts not meant for sleeping? Is it lame to go to American Apparel specifically to buy a casual t-shirt to wear to the show? Or three so I can pretend to layer at random? Will I feel like a freak dressed in multiple t-shirts at dinner beforehand? I don't have many flats. I'm guessing the Jimmy Choo pythons would be out of place. I really wish I'd scored some of the Lanvin flats in the Coplon's sale. Those would work. Where are my combat boots? Would Ani approve of this persistent omphaloskepsis? I think I used to wear overalls to Ani shows. Where are my overalls? Wait, omphaloskeptics can't wear overalls. Gah! I need a stylist.

Namasté, y'all!

* A boutique where I plan to spend a portion of the millions I'll eventually earn on my slow-and-steady project.

** Never fear: I'm still a Westin girl all the way. Aloft is the Westin's younger, funkier sister, like it has pool tables and stuff.


Anonymous said...

Ani! that should be awesome. You should wear what you want; i wore a tie to the Lilith Fair when I was in college. sure, a girl pat my shoulder and said "Aw. You wore a tie." with the same inflection of someone putting a blanket over someone sleeping or removing a size sticker from the back of the jeans you'd been wearing all day -- but I don't regret it.
And I need an assistant brain, too. But I'll probably end up yelling at it like Kevin Spacey in "Swimming with Sharks."

Blog O' Beth said...

I just want to say congratulations! I am so happy for you in a very sincere non-superficial southern way - but a real northerner kind of way. I also think you are experiencing "happiness anxiety" this is when things go so well you are sure something terrible is going to happen. No worries girl - you are doing great - just wallow in it for a minute.

Anonymous said...

I am so lame that when I first read Ani Difranco my brain heard Tony DeFranco. And I am so lame that I thought, "cool!"

Jimmy Choo pythons are never out of place.

kbfenner said...

Finally got to last month's O magazine--talks about when pessimism is good--it makes you better prepared and more cautious, etc. Sounds like that's what you have...minus the unfortunate body dysmorphia-- darling, you are fabulous--we care about your *style*-- not your weight from time to time.