1. This shocks me. I thought the Bible Belt was the home of all things sexist and antiquated. I thought this article was a joke. In fact, it was not a joke. These girls exist. And I say "girls," because they don't behave like any grown women I know. Why on earth would women, with educations, personalities and jobs depend so heavily on men for stuff they wanted? They are more dependent than this stay-at-home, un-employed mother of three. As one of my brilliant friends on Facebook said, "
"OHSWEET JESUS! I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED A VELOUR MOCK-LA-Z-BOY COUCH! I NEED IT NOW! TIE IT TO THE ROOF OF MY CAR! NOW!"
My friend Julie called me about this phenomenon the other day as she passed a parking lot full of couches and, of all things, toddler-sized lounge chairs. She felt it was blog-worthy and I agree. What the hell are those couches doing in a parking lot? I've seen patterned rugs for sale on the side of the road, too. Some of them are decorated with an enormous animal face, something exotic like a zebra or cat. While I have considered a tasteful cheetah-print area rug, like this one, the huge-face rugs don't do it for me.
3. Why is it now acceptable for Brad Pitt to have pock-marked, large enormous-pored skin, like he does in the most recent issue of W? Perhaps he no longer feels the need to prove he's hot, since he must be or he wouldn't be with Angelina. He has to be good-looking though, because his chameleon-like behavior with every woman he's ever been with would indicate a lack of personality. He is an accessory. Maybe the spread was too arty for a small-town girl like me.
4. Why does my husband lie to me so much about little things? Once and for all, does this or does this not indicate he will one day cheat on me? If, in fact, he does cheat on me, will he do it in a way I can ignore or will it be obvious? The suspense is killing me.
5. Why I can't have everything I want? And why don't I get it when I can? I saw these boots
Anyhow, these are things that befuddle me.
Namasté, y'all!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
In which I am confused. Again.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Don't Mess With Bill.
the whole day about five minutes (in 30 second increments) thinking about what I should wear.
It's not easy for a housewife. I have jeans and I have party clothes. I do not have "business attire." I do not do any sort of business and I know very little about tires, so I don't have much use for stuff like that. Plus, it's not really my style, which might be one of the reasons I don't have a job. As I pondered what to wear, I perused an article in the State paper about the dinner. For about thirty seconds, I was relieved, because the paper said the dinner was black-tie, which is easier for me. I have lots of cute party dresses and cocktail skirts. I suspected that was too easy, though, because I hadn't heard from anyone else that it would be black-tie. And it wasn't; it was a misprint and I'm sure they printed a correction today, albeit too late for the few people I saw in black-tie.
Speaking of overdressing, I understand and forgive the folks who read the article in the paper and came dressed. In fact, I think the State owes them an apology, because that can be embarrassing. What I do not understand is the woman who shows up in a prom dress. There's one at every party, whether it's an oyster roast, a cocktail party or a political dinner. Ladies, do not wear your prom dress anywhere other than a prom. Frankly, I wish I hadn't even worn mine to my actual prom; it was hideous and I wish someone had told me. There is no excuse whatsoever for wearing a prom dress after the age of eighteen.
Anyhow, after my brief respite, I re-commenced trying to pick an outfit. I tried to do tasteful, I really did, but I gave up. I went as a crazy housewife, more celebrity gawker than politico. I wore a short, brown tweed skirt, a dark blouse with a wide collar and Victorian people all over it, my YSL platform boots and my daytime brown fishnets. I think I looked pretty cool. And I painted my nails bright red while the baby was at the drop-in nursery. I also wore my favorite Christian Dior lipstick, this perfect brick red color that I save for special occasions, because it's been discontinued. I felt very proud that I was able to fix my hair with the baby digging his fingers into my fishnets.
This bugs me a little, like maybe it's unsophisticated to expect fidelity. Which I absolutely do, by the way. I've told A that if he does it and doesn't get caught, goody for him, but if I find out, I will make him wish he never met me. Seriously. No big violent moves, just lots of petty irritations. And I get the house. And some other random stuff, like his CDs, which I don't want, but would take out of spite.
I tried this w/game once but alcohol + my brain=incomprehensible notes
Yup, I can't take decent notes at a football game, either. I know about as much about sports as I do about politics.
I have to pee, jealous that E. peed before speech
Why does my sister think of everything?
Dick=child centered/performance oriented
That sounds not so nice, but it was something nice Bill said about Dick Riley.
"most of my life not politics. it's my foundation" - ??? - for potential 1st ladies - but maybe they would say same
At first I thought this was uncool, because candidates wives do make politics their lives, but then I realize that they would say the same thing he did. And it would be equally untrue.
Title? sister's brain>my brain
That is not a good title. "Don't Mess With Bill" is better, but not by much.
love hill. but she's no bill in terms of inspiring people
Which is why her campaign should use him more. Or not. Because everyone pales in comparison to that guy.
"The only thing that matters is whether people are better off when u quit than when u started. The rest is all smoke and mirrors."
Word, Bill. Word.
looks down at beginning (when he's mentioning names) - but looks up talks freely about ideas/stats - passion for change
Who cares why he gets all fired up as long as life gets better? education (??)
M'k. This was after my second glass of wine, so I'm not sure what I meant. I think the "who cares" is telling. I think he said "everybody wins" in reference to his student loan reforms and this reminded me of the school I went to for many, many years (HHES). They had a motto, "Everybody Wins." That's nice, but it doesn't make the students sound outstanding in any way, n'est-ce pas? I mean, how can anybody win if there's no loser? Huh? Answer me that! But I digress.
ideology=u have answer already and are impervious to the evidence
I think I just liked the way that sounded, so I wrote it down. Yup.
Hill. reminds me of pres. of Smith @ my sister's grad. - smart but not cool - sincere
I have no idea why I wrote this. I've always thought that, but I don't know why I was thinking it at that moment. Her voice sounds like those New England women's colleges' presidents' voices*. She seems so sincere in her desire to change things. And I don't want a cool president, I want a smart one.
Well, that's it. Now you know how simple I really am. And you know what else? This has to be said. I think the new convention center is fab. We really needed it, although I could have done without the accompanying Ruth's Chris. But they have got to do something about the appetizer situation. They had this:
But it was in the middle of a big round table and couldn't be reached discreetly. I'm tacky, but not tacky enough to be seen reaching for cheese balls and cramming them in my mouth while the former president talks. As you can see from the photo, I did manage to break off a chunk of the cheese ball before he started. You can also see my sister's Hillary button. That was not a table decoration, just her special touch. So I was left with this:
which was on the table when we sat down. And which was all gone before we got our actual food, because I kept nibbling on it during the speech, in between taking those brilliant notes. I might have done better with a little bit of protein to go with the wine.
Namasté, y'all!
*That was a lot of apostrophes. I bet I messed at least one of them up. That sentence sounds much better out loud.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Adultery
"Shhhh! Don't say it in front of Mom!"
I knew it was only a matter of time before the X-Man said whatever it was he wasn't supposed to say, so I didn't even ask, I just started counting down from ten. Ten...nine...wait for it..."Let's do sex, babeeeeeee!"
We were in the car and I had run back inside to get something. Apparently, the boys had had a chat while I was gone. The car is an easy place to have difficult conversations, because you don't have to look your kids in the eye; I highly recommend it.
Seasoned parent that I am (and older sister of three, so I benefited from watching my own parents), I didn't panic. I fake chuckled, because I've found this is one way to get kids to talk; I would make a great "good cop." I asked them, calmly(!), where they had heard such a thing. O gave me a name immediately. Although I won't say who it was, for fear of embarrassing his parents, I was reassured; I know the kid and his parents and I know they're not creepy. I was also reassured by the fact that the phrase itself made very little sense. Have you ever said that? Or had someone say it to you? Me either, and I've been having sex for a while now.
I asked the kids what they thought sex was. The X-Man, five at the time, said, "I think it means, like...you're beautiful?" I told him that was part of it. I knew our older son would give a better answer. After all, I had explained the whole thing to him years earlier, when I was pregnant with his brother. I was so proud of myself and I figured the job was done. "I think it's like adultery," he said. And it dawned on me that one conversation with a two year old probably wasn't sufficient.
So, I bought a book, It's So Amazing! It came highly recommended by my sister in law, who is brilliant at handling these things. She doesn't get uptight or embarrassed, like...me. I was so excited. A book! I could just give it to O and leave the room. As the kids say, "Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezie!" My glee was short lived. V, in her wisdom, let me know I would need to read the book out loud with him, because kids don't always interpret things the way they should. After reading the whole book, which is very graphic in a psychologically healthy, age appropriate way, V's daughter said, "Mommy, aren't you glad Daddy never touched your vagina? That would be gross!" I would have been stumped and called in an expert. My sister in law, unfazed, rolled her eyes and said, "Weren't you listening? He did! How do you think we had the three of you?" After some initial queasiness, her daughter was just fine.
There are two characters in the book, a bee and a bird. The bee is content to remain in the dark about the great mysteries of life. The bird wants to know it all. I have two birds. Unlike his parents, O felt no embarrassment whatsoever. He looked forward to reading more of the book each night and asked plenty of questions. We discussed everything from masturbation to same-sex unions. The book covers everything a curious bird needs to know. The X-Man hovered like a Hummingbird, excitedly fluttering his tiny wings, just outside the door of the room where we were reading. At five, my husband and I thought he was too young for all of the answers. Plus, as oldest children ourselves, we think it's important to make younger siblings wait a little; they always get to do everything sooner! The book is labeled "7+" and we decided to trust that. All in all, it was a very positive experience, in spite of the lame joke my husband made out of nervousness in response to a question O had about masturbation. I'm glad to answer all questions about masturbation, in hopes that my children are happy with just that until they're 42 and old enough to have sex.
A few weeks passed. In the car again, I pointed out my old apartment, "That's where mommy and Lady M used to live before we were married."
"You and M were married?" We're pretty liberal around here, so this question wasn't all that strange.
"No, I meant before she married Sir P and I married Daddy."
"If you and Lady M were married, you couldn't have kids," from the oldest Bird.
"Yes, we could."
"But the man has the sperm and the lady has the egg and you need both," from the youngest Bird, from the side of his mouth, tapering off as he realized what he was admitting.
"Yes," I responded, suspicion in my voice, "And where did you learn that?"
"FromthebookIt'sSoAmazing," said the Hummingbird, beak pursed, laughing.
Did I really think cramming the book on top of some other books on a top shelf would keep the Hummingbird from it? Oh, well.
"And I'm only five, but I'm almost six and the book is for seven and up. And I can play games that are eight and up."
Well then. Oddly, he has better recall of the book than his big brother, even though he read it on his own. Must be that forbidden fruit thing...
The only thing to do at that point was remind both of them how same-sex couples can go about becoming parents. The book covered that, but I guess it didn't make much of an impression.
The book, by the way, is fab. I think every parent should go out and get a copy; save it until you need it. Everything is worded exactly the way I would say it, if I had time to think about it. I tend to ramble (did you notice?), especially when I'm nervous. The book does not ramble. The book is cool as a cucumber.
It's been several months, but my little birds are still fascinated. My husband and I teach O's fourth grade Sunday school class with two other parents. Talk about birth control. If everyone had to do this before having children, they might be more careful. Last Sunday, one of the other parents, mother to a single, hand raising, clean dress wearing little girl, taught the class. She covered the Ten Commandments. We were off the hook, or so we thought. At one point, she handed out tablet shaped construction paper and asked each of the children to choose a commandment, write it on one side of the page and paraphrase it on the other. Some people are so good at making up activities. Why don't my husband and I ever think of stuff like that? She seemed so mature; we just bring doughnuts. I bet if we bring doughnuts every time, the kids will like us best. Ha!
Anyhow, the kids were working hard. Most of the boys chose, "Thou shalt not murder." A lot of kids chose, "Honor thy Father and Mother." Our son, who was dishonoring us by making us look like freaks, chose the adultery one. I saw his paper as I walked by. To quote Dwight Schrute, of The Office, "Eff!" I ran over to my husband, trying to look calm. Strained whispering ensued.
"Did you see what he wrote?!"
"Yeah, and he asked me what it meant."
"What did you tell him? Oh no, what did you tell him?!"
"Don't worry. I told him to ask one of the other parents."
"Excellent."
Luckily, he asked the one who has several kids, not the mother of the only, who might have been less understanding.
I scooted over to the mother of many, apologized and asked what she told him. "Just don't date other people when you're married." Whew. Why didn't I think of that?
The leader went through the commandments, allowing one or two children to read what they had written for each one. Of course, my bird was the only one to choose the one about adultery. Although I was nervous, he quoted the other teacher verbatim and the moment passed. Or so we thought. One girl raised her hand to tell the class, "My babysitter had two husbands and they both dated other people while they were married to her." Another child chimed in, "That happened to my aunt!" Little pitchers, big ears, I tell ya'. Ain't it the truth?
Namasté, y'all!
P.S. Did that title grab your attention? Perv.
